Literature

Domestic violence: the little seed in all of us

5 reading minutes

écrit par Diana-Alice Ramsauer · 14 February 2023 · 0 commentaire

Violences conjugales: la petite graine en chacun de nous

«Our fathers, our brothers, our friends: inside the heads of violent men». The title is clear: the authors are also nice guys and loved ones. An added bonus: Mathieu Palain encourages us to ask ourselves which link in the chain of violence we occupy.

Stories of domestic violence are becoming increasingly common in the public arena. It's as if the brakes have suddenly been lifted, allowing a whole category of the population to speak out. Many books take the perspective of the victims, the people who receive the blows, who are subjected to the pressure. This story is different. To understand (and not excuse), journalist and writer Mathieu Palain set out to meet those who do the hitting. A difficult task, since very few people are willing to testify in this role.

The investigator's first port of call will be a domestic violence discussion group. People forced to take part in a course after being convicted. The vast majority see themselves as victims and try to justify their actions. Violence is often seen by its perpetrators as a (legitimate) reaction to an obstacle. Beatings are one option among others, an expression of disagreement, a virile act, even encouraged.

Omerta among the bourgeoisie

But Mathieu Palain soon realizes that there's a segment of the population missing from these discussion groups: high society, the powerful, the notables. Indeed, having spent four years collecting women's testimonies, he knows full well that violence is not inversely proportional to salary. The stories of Amélie, theater director and banker's partner, Cécile, student and daughter of an abusive cardiologist, an anonymous journalist and wife of a senior civil servant, prove it.

Violence in these circles, however, is invisibilized, and the young investigator struggles to meet husbands, companions and partners. «I was becoming aware that violent men get away with it when they're powerful. If you're white, well inserted in society, and you enjoy a bit of power - you don't have to have a lot - you can go ahead, nothing will happen to you.» A departure from the rules Mathieu Palain has set himself: this time, the blows are told by the women.

But the book doesn't stop there. It also offers some clues to understanding. Why this violence? Where does it come from? It is described, in turn, as a disease, as a small seed, and in all cases, as a vicious circle.

Think about it... what about your relationships?

While it would be counterproductive to question the importance of gender in issues of violence, Christine, one of the prison counselors quoted in the book, likes to talk about the «pathology of the bond». For her, the image of the authoritarian man and the submissive woman is a cliché. She argues that we need to work on the relationship, and avoid being Manichean and designating a good guy and a bad guy, even if there is obviously a guilty party in the name of the law.

The reflections proposed in the book will enable anyone who opens it to take a stand on his or her place in the reproduction of violence. First of all - and this is probably still the priority - the question is now put to men, since it is clear that the majority of those judged for violence are male. So we all have to ask ourselves what part we play in the problem: even if we're well-educated, even if we're good guys.

Once awareness has been raised globally, there will be room for everyone to take a stand on their share of individual, intra-family and societal violence. Each and every one of us can then work towards repairing dysfunctional links.

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