Fifty shades of ridiculous

Anastasia Steele's (Dakota Johnson) life is back on track. She goes out with her friends, works at a major publishing house and lives in a charming little downtown apartment. One evening, everything changes. At a photography exhibition, the handsome Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) comes to find his lost love: his «submissive», the victim of his most torrid sadomasochistic practices.

The young publisher appears to be refusing her irresistible former lover. One word from the male's deep voice and she gives in. Later that same evening, it's time for the union of bodies to return. But the two lovebirds are determined to have a healthy relationship, free from sexual violence. Will they succeed, knowing that Christian's ideas are as hot as ever and Anastasia has never forgotten the gentle spankings of yesteryear?

It's hard to say much more. The story, if it can be called that, is totally empty. Between ridiculous stereotypes and repetitive patterns, everything is revealed in advance. From the very first minutes of the film, viewers can easily leave the theater without missing a single element of interest.

Fifty Shades Darker however, is not only a logorrhea of silliness, it also stoops to an artistic insult, a sentimental mess and a psychological catastrophe. The last criticism is directed at Christian, Anastasia, but also at every character whose appearance remains of the tiniest importance. Each actor is pitiful; none is even remotely convincing.

The rich family of the sadomasochist, for example, tries to set itself up as a noble gentry. Entangled in the affairs of a high bourgeoisie, necessarily corrupt and beneficent, they would like to show just how fine and mentally subtle their members are. Not so, however! Grace Grey, the protagonist's mother, tries on the grandeur of a woman of good morals, perfect elegance and immaculate maternal tenderness. Yet her character oozes mawkishness. Even when she weeps with disappointment at her rebellious son, she can only elicit a weary laugh from the audience. It's a pity, because the ridiculously precious woman is played by Oscar-winner Marcia Gay Harden.

Christian, despite speaking exclusively - or almost exclusively - in the imperative tense, has no more character than his mother. What we can learn from him is that he's extremely possessive and rather hot-tempered. Otherwise, he's nothing more than a sex and order machine. Leave his feelings to him: he still claims to be in love with Anastasia. Fortunately, the script awkwardly states this, and Jamie Dornan manages to recite it in an understandable way - his acting leaves a lot to be desired.

Anastasia, a modern woman's delight! She's cute, she perfumes the nostrils of all men with seduction. And above all, she's very intelligent. Of course, since she works in publishing. Yet her literary credentials are not mentioned at all. A true salvation: it would have been a massacre, given the sublime style of each dialogue. In fact, the exact word to define Anastasia, beyond her social and professional status, is jug.

The young submissive doesn't impose herself. She receives, again and again, Christian's fantasies. Occasionally, she seems to get angry, but it's all resolved after thirty seconds, because her beloved is just too irresistible. The only moments during which the Barbie archetype speaks with any confidence open a ball of desperation: «I'm far too covered. Undress me», more delicately: «I want you, you, all of you», and the crème de la crème: «I want you to spank me». An impressive personality, a true female role model!

As for love, the (too) long film offers nothing satisfying. Are we supposed to give us something to dream about by showing a Cinderella being manhandled by a prince who is anything but charming? A relationship fueled by fornication alone may excite for a while. No more than that. In fact, although the film is presented in the genre of erotic romance, it is neither romantic in its total absence of love, nor endowed with a modicum of eroticism.

Eroticism can only take place insofar as it is based on artistic content. But there's no question of art in Fifty Shades Darker. The touching scenes turn, in an instant, from pitiful soap opera - a suitable reference would be that of Top Models - to the pornography of an amateur video. Exaggerated orgasms, joyful sodomy and other perverse uses are the cause. Viewers in search of aphrodisia are left disappointed.

Finally, James Foley deserves some praise. If only for his success in spending all the money he had available to make such a piece of garbage. Also, the choice of the two lead actors is obviously not entirely lacking: the muscular and svelte bodies of Christian and Anastasia respectively remain pleasing to the eye. The alluring allure of both would benefit from better staging. Their characters, in fact, take all the charm out of them, so much so that they scream with stupidity.