To love «as is» is to despise

One of the most persistent messages in the public sphere is the call for us to «love ourselves as we are»—a phrase that is usually followed by a call to «let go of guilt.».

This idea now extends to the upbringing of children—that is, to beings who, by their very nature, have the unfortunate habit of never staying «the same» for long. This constant change in their nature is, in fact, one of the things that most distinguishes them from pets, which are more «static,» consistent, and predictable in their daily behavior.

To grow, a child needs two messages at the same time: «I’ll love you no matter what you do,» but also «I know you’re capable of doing better.» The first conveys reassuring comfort, while the second offers inspiring hope. We associate