«I wish you happiness in your solitudes», March 1958 - December 1969

Le Regard Libre N° 26 - Loris S. Musumeci

Happy days (5/6)

Embarrassment, uncertainty and weariness knead Corinna Bille and Maurice Chappaz's missives. Particularly those in the fourth chapter of Happy days, «Je te souhaite d'être heureux dans tes solitudes» (I wish you happiness in your solitudes), presenting exchanges between 1958 and 1969. What remains, for the glory of love, is a major part of the affection and tenderness between the two writers. In a language as true as ever; the floor is theirs.

Ploughing torments

«I think I'll be able to get out of financial trouble.
I think about you every day. I hope to reach a time when you will be unburdened. I'm not always patient, of course, but I get caught up in worries and obsessions when I can't find joy in poetry and writing.
But you're still with me like my most beautiful certainty.
Love to you and your little ones.
Maurice»

It's a very anxious Maurice who is to be found throughout this part of the correspondence. He nonetheless looks forward to a brighter tomorrow, with ardent confidence.

Not only does he lose sight of the thread of his existence, but he also suffers the disappearance of those he loves. His sister:

«Just a quick note to tell you the sad news of Miquette's death. [Editor's note: nickname for Marie-Thérèse, Maurice Chappaz's sister]. which occurred this morning, it seems, following a heart attack during a crisis.
This is the end of a life and it makes me think.»

His father:

«No special news here: went down to Martigny for the announcements and came back up as soon as possible.
I feel empty.
I'll call you
but in the meantime
Love Fifon [editor's note: Corinna's nickname for Maurice].»

Intense tragedy as a man discovers the ephemeral river of life.

«I feel the little twinge in my heart of all the beings and things I can voluntarily part with, and the gentle, strong energy too of the discovery less of the unknown than of the poem that goes on.»

Corinna's trials are no less painful. Her husband has cheated on her, her health is playing tricks on her: she can no longer seem to enjoy the pleasures of yesteryear.

«Sometimes I feel the bridges crumbling beneath me on all sides. But I think I've had my worst year ever (I hope). It's the aftermath of last year that was terrible for me. On reflection, I realize that while I was able to look forward to everything else quite cheerfully (even very cheerfully at times...), your great love for U. [Maurice's adulterous affair] gave me a real knockout blow that I haven't recovered from. That's the way it is and there's no point in trying to believe otherwise. This is to tell you that I'll still have difficult days ahead. Nothing can ever be the same again... In the past, despite all the little annoyances, humiliations and tantrums, I always found real happiness. I had my own place in life. Now, I don't seem to have it anymore. I've never been as out of balance as I am now.»

Crisis

The Chappaz-Bille couple experienced an unprecedented marital drama. In fact, between 1964 and 1966, their epistolary exchanges were muted because they were half-dead. Maurice cries out for forgiveness in a clumsy stammer; Corinna can hear nothing more, breathless with sadness.

«Then on another point, love: I've had a lot of weaknesses. I understand that people suffer from them. But I've always tried to be faithful both to a religious truth that seemed incomprehensible to me, and at least secretly and not superficially to a choice: you, the faith I've had in your value, in our union, I've always put before everything else. I have never separated this truth, this natural reality, from the other. 
I certainly don't claim to be without reproach. You can even accuse me, all you have to do is list the facts (and forget others too). 
All you have to do is ignore the fact that I've always wanted to love you, right away, always and «wanted» to with love, and I've never said I didn't want to. Practically speaking, I can't be said to have had a normal, real relationship, even a short one.
This is no coincidence.
[...]
separating us is really failure, but if the conviction is real?
to fight for union is to love, but then I'm really weakened by it.
[...]
I wish you wouldn't think that, but if it's necessary the breakup so everyone knows their truth... This is the last time I'll try to persuade you otherwise.»

I love you

Fortunately, intimate affection and love always managed to overcome the ordeals. Maurice, more lyrical than usual, emboldens himself with romantic declarations.

«be thanked
and still receive my kisses,
ah! I swear to live joyfully with you».»

«So I condense what I think into one flash word: I have love for you and I'm happy to be married to you.»

Corinna finds happiness in the couple's rekindled embers.

«I love you, I'm very happy, I love life again,
ta Fifon» (your Fifon)»

And she closes the ball in the fourth part of the correspondence with a step that soothes her beloved. And, of course, the curious reader too!

«What a beautiful winter! I am happy, I kiss you as I love you,
Fifon»

The ebb and flow of faith

The religious progress of the two lovers respectively plays an important role in these difficult years.

In him, a faith seems to be reborn that had never really been extinguished. He undoubtedly increased it by regularly receiving the sacraments, which gave him strength and courage.

«But what sustains me is the writing. Contradicting myself, versatile, changing or not I have faith, again, and that's extraordinary.»

«I rely a lot on your judgment when thinking about what's happening to me: I can't determine exactly how much of it is emotion and how much is real altogether, but it's the same little hail of King's Day punches that unthinkingly trained me to go to confession and take communion before going home - Because I love you.»

At home, the situation is more delicate.

«On Sunday, I went to two Masses and took Communion. I was fine, relaxed and a good sleeper. But Sunday night, the torment started again and it won't stop. I can't seem to find God. It's very difficult for me. I still have a terrible need to talk to Viatte [editor's note: canon and Corinna's spiritual companion]., and I wonder if he'll be able to help me. I've entered a real labyrinth... A sinner, I used to have inner peace. And now I don't!
I kiss you with all my heart, dear Maurice.
Your very annoyed Fifon».»

Nevertheless, his will to believe remains so deep that it miraculously invites itself into his dreams, not without effect.

«Last night, something strange happened. I had a very sore side and a fever, and I was thinking about Lourdes and feeling blue. I imagined I was bathing in this water and I simply said, «Ah! I'd like to be cured of my sorrow!» And all of a sudden, to my great astonishment - I hadn't expected it at all, these daydreams being very spontaneous and fleeting - I felt absolutely fine. I no longer had that pain in my side.»

In your solitudes

Solitude is the core of this part of the correspondence. Through its ability to untie the knot of writing; to bind beings together.

«I wish you to be happy in your solitudes, with the cows chime, and to be able to write your poems in peace.»

Corinna knows: solitude is good for both of them. If she yearns for it for her husband, she herself enjoys it when she's at the spa in Lavey-les-Bains - Corinna suffers from a strange scalp disease and exhausts herself unnecessarily.

«Calm, happy, I work on my articles after a very relaxing first bath and dinner with the herd. But it's only for these meals that I'm with the others. For the rest, it's the good solitude that allows me to work.»

Maurice saw solitude as a lesson in life. It helps him to love those closest to him, in a presence of the heart.

«You can't believe it completely I know, but I'm split in two to a degree that's hard to believe, and in solitude I unite totally with those I love.»

And to truly contemplate his wife, in the grace she embodies for him.

«I think of you every day. In solitude you are for me like a star and a natural saint.»

Write to the author: loris.musumeci@leregardlibre.com

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